This is Me
January 11, 2017





Dear Followers,
This is me. This is my heartfelt feelings. I am who I am. I don't always like who I am or how I feel, but this is me. Some days I have all these emotions that come flooding in like a raging hurricane. I may cry and never understand why. I may get angry and can't control it or or even know what I am so angry about.  I try and remember that I am my own worst enemy. I have a family that loves me and more importantly a God who loves me.  He knows every hair on my head, He created every fiber of my being. So why do I feel so broken? Why do I wake up every day fighting these battles in my mind? Why do I wake up wondering how easily I will be set off today?
When I first admitted I had a problem was about a 2 years ago. Time slips my mind like all my fading memories. I felt alone and scared. I mean, we aren't supposed to have the thoughts I do. We are supposed to be strong for our husbands and our kids.  What if my kids are taken from me because of my awful thoughts? What if I am removed from my own home out of my own will? Depression is something we should be ashamed of, right? WRONG. We need to realize it's ok to admit we have a problem or that we need help. We should not feel ashamed. These struggles we have do not define who we are. I am not the awful person in my head with all those terrible thoughts. I am not some weak person that gets upset over silly things like dirty clothes on the floor or a dish not put away exactly where I would have it be. I am not some crybaby that begins crying for no apparent reason. I am not weak. In fact, I am strong.  I am courageous. I am a loving mother and wife.  It takes courage to ask for help. It takes strength to overcome these battles that rage in my head on a daily basis.
These daily battles are most days very subtle, almost not even there or noticeable.  Sometimes, these battles win and I will cry for no reason or get angry for no reason (which only upsets me more, knowing I am angry for no reason). To someone who doesn't understand depression or anxiety, this may seem crazy. It may seem like we should 'just get over it'. Oh how I wish it were that easy. If it were, none of us would suffer at all. Depression and anxiety are very real. They are chemical imbalances. It doesn't make us imperfect or unlovable, though at times I feel as though I am not lovable or even deserving of love. There are times I think people would be better off without me. That's this disease though. That's the battle. I choose to win.
I choose to fight. I choose to overcome. I choose to win. I choose to speak out. It took a family member trying to take their own life for me to get the help needed. I realized I couldn't hide my problem any longer. Running wasn't enough. In the beginning going for a run seemed to help. And it does still, some. But it isn't enough. I was no longer happy going to church. I dreaded it. I hated pretending I was happy and that I was alright. I have always loved going to church. Who was I now? This angry, hurtful, crying person that hated church? This isn't me, I thought.  I talked to my doctor. I almost backed out. You see, I couldn't get anyone to watch my kids the day I wanted to talk. I had them with me. But, I chose to overcome my fear and talk.  It took me 3 medications to find the right one.
This medication thing is another battle in itself. It's important to know you may not get the right one on the first try and that's ok. Don't get discouraged. Luckily I have a strong group of friends I was able to confide in about my battles. 1 particular friend told me don't get upset. It may take several meds before I find the right one. She was great. She listened when I needed to talk, she didn't judge, she was just there.  For that I will always be grateful. Some days I may think I am fine, maybe I can quit taking it.  But no. It's important to talk with a doctor before trying that.
Even after seeking help, I found it hard to talk to others about my struggles. I was still ashamed.  Several months after getting help for myself and getting my own battle under control, a friend of mine took her own life. I never knew she struggled with depression. What if I had just opened up about mine? Maybe she wouldn't have felt alone. Depression and anxiety make you feel very very alone. We should not feel alone. I think a big part of why I felt alone is because some who are close to me, don't want to hear about my struggle. Don't believe in this struggle.  After learning of my friend, I chose to speak out. I open up about my struggles. I have never gone into detail about all the thoughts I have had. Only with my doctor. I may never tell anyone just how low I was. But I choose to be open and answer questions about about my personal struggle with depression and anxiety. Because just maybe, by opening up about my own struggle, I may say something that allows someone else to say hey, that's me. I don't have to feel so alone. I don't have to feel ashamed any longer. If I can help just one person overcome their fear, then I have served my purpose.
I am who I am. God made me perfect in His eyes. My imperfections are just His perfections. My gift can be to help others. I live this daily battle so that I may help others come to find the help they need.
Never be ashamed. Never feel alone. Believe me, you are NOT alone.

Sincerely yours,

Amy Bosler