This is Me
January 11, 2017





Dear Followers,
This is me. This is my heartfelt feelings. I am who I am. I don't always like who I am or how I feel, but this is me. Some days I have all these emotions that come flooding in like a raging hurricane. I may cry and never understand why. I may get angry and can't control it or or even know what I am so angry about.  I try and remember that I am my own worst enemy. I have a family that loves me and more importantly a God who loves me.  He knows every hair on my head, He created every fiber of my being. So why do I feel so broken? Why do I wake up every day fighting these battles in my mind? Why do I wake up wondering how easily I will be set off today?
When I first admitted I had a problem was about a 2 years ago. Time slips my mind like all my fading memories. I felt alone and scared. I mean, we aren't supposed to have the thoughts I do. We are supposed to be strong for our husbands and our kids.  What if my kids are taken from me because of my awful thoughts? What if I am removed from my own home out of my own will? Depression is something we should be ashamed of, right? WRONG. We need to realize it's ok to admit we have a problem or that we need help. We should not feel ashamed. These struggles we have do not define who we are. I am not the awful person in my head with all those terrible thoughts. I am not some weak person that gets upset over silly things like dirty clothes on the floor or a dish not put away exactly where I would have it be. I am not some crybaby that begins crying for no apparent reason. I am not weak. In fact, I am strong.  I am courageous. I am a loving mother and wife.  It takes courage to ask for help. It takes strength to overcome these battles that rage in my head on a daily basis.
These daily battles are most days very subtle, almost not even there or noticeable.  Sometimes, these battles win and I will cry for no reason or get angry for no reason (which only upsets me more, knowing I am angry for no reason). To someone who doesn't understand depression or anxiety, this may seem crazy. It may seem like we should 'just get over it'. Oh how I wish it were that easy. If it were, none of us would suffer at all. Depression and anxiety are very real. They are chemical imbalances. It doesn't make us imperfect or unlovable, though at times I feel as though I am not lovable or even deserving of love. There are times I think people would be better off without me. That's this disease though. That's the battle. I choose to win.
I choose to fight. I choose to overcome. I choose to win. I choose to speak out. It took a family member trying to take their own life for me to get the help needed. I realized I couldn't hide my problem any longer. Running wasn't enough. In the beginning going for a run seemed to help. And it does still, some. But it isn't enough. I was no longer happy going to church. I dreaded it. I hated pretending I was happy and that I was alright. I have always loved going to church. Who was I now? This angry, hurtful, crying person that hated church? This isn't me, I thought.  I talked to my doctor. I almost backed out. You see, I couldn't get anyone to watch my kids the day I wanted to talk. I had them with me. But, I chose to overcome my fear and talk.  It took me 3 medications to find the right one.
This medication thing is another battle in itself. It's important to know you may not get the right one on the first try and that's ok. Don't get discouraged. Luckily I have a strong group of friends I was able to confide in about my battles. 1 particular friend told me don't get upset. It may take several meds before I find the right one. She was great. She listened when I needed to talk, she didn't judge, she was just there.  For that I will always be grateful. Some days I may think I am fine, maybe I can quit taking it.  But no. It's important to talk with a doctor before trying that.
Even after seeking help, I found it hard to talk to others about my struggles. I was still ashamed.  Several months after getting help for myself and getting my own battle under control, a friend of mine took her own life. I never knew she struggled with depression. What if I had just opened up about mine? Maybe she wouldn't have felt alone. Depression and anxiety make you feel very very alone. We should not feel alone. I think a big part of why I felt alone is because some who are close to me, don't want to hear about my struggle. Don't believe in this struggle.  After learning of my friend, I chose to speak out. I open up about my struggles. I have never gone into detail about all the thoughts I have had. Only with my doctor. I may never tell anyone just how low I was. But I choose to be open and answer questions about about my personal struggle with depression and anxiety. Because just maybe, by opening up about my own struggle, I may say something that allows someone else to say hey, that's me. I don't have to feel so alone. I don't have to feel ashamed any longer. If I can help just one person overcome their fear, then I have served my purpose.
I am who I am. God made me perfect in His eyes. My imperfections are just His perfections. My gift can be to help others. I live this daily battle so that I may help others come to find the help they need.
Never be ashamed. Never feel alone. Believe me, you are NOT alone.

Sincerely yours,

Amy Bosler

St. Jude Decatur to Peoria Run

Hi bloggers!

I am SUPER excited to be participating in the St. Jude Decatur to Peoria Run!!! We will be running from Decatur to Peoria where we will be greeted by the families of St. Jude!!! There is a good sized team of us & I am very very excited!!! I cannot even begin to explain. I have committed to raise $750!!!!! I NEED your help!

Families of St. Jude never see a bill for their stay or treatments. This is made possible all because of the donations made. Without YOU, this is impossible. We need your help. If you would like to do so you may do so here! If you prefer to donate cash/check, come see me & I can make that happen!

I wish I could explain my excitement about this. I just keep thinking of the running and how my mental struggles when I run remind me of the mental struggles a child undergoing treatment may be like. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I can't. I have to keep running. I run for them. Those who can't run. I think about the memories I will make. I have some friends I already know on this team & some I am sure to make friends with. I'm sure we will be laughing along the way. I'm sure there will be tears along the way. This journey will be one I will never forget. One I will cherish for the rest of my days! I think about the faces when we arrive at our destination. I am excited to see the faces we are fighting for. I can't wait to hug a child & let them know I care. They have many who care.

Will you please help me make this possible! $750 is a lot of money to raise, but it's such a small amount of what it costs for St. Jude to run it's everyday operations. We will be running on August 1st. We start at midnight (or maybe 1am I can't remember for certain) & we arrive the next evening at 5pm (approx) We will be running throught the night & the hot summer day. We will have pain, we will struggle but we won't give up. We will fight for these young fighters. These young heroes. Even if you are unable to make a donation at this time, please share this post with your friends & family. Pleas pray for me. Pray that I can raise that minimum & blow it out of the water. Oh how I would love to raise above & beyond!

Thank you! St. Jude thanks you!!

Donate Here

What Things Should NOT Be Used For

Things tissues should NOT be used for:
~a game of speed (how fast can a toddler empty an entire box of tissues)
~confetti ( tossing tissues all over a room)
~food ( toddlers need no more fiber. fiber=poop)


Things WD40 should not be used for:
~febreeze on bed sheets, pillows, comforters, toys, carpet, etc.
~ eye lubricant
~ wood laminate floor shiner
~furniture polish for a dresser or a space heater. (flammable. duh!)


This message brought to you as a result of children. My children. #ilovemychildren #theytakeaftertheirfather


**almost 4 year old eyeball *may* have been harmed in the brainstorming process of this message**   #hopehelearnedhislesson


You are welcome. (I know you are laughing. at least someone is. I am not.....yet.)


If you love me or care for me, you will bring me a Red Bull so I can brew my coffee with it & hear noises. (it may prevent these sort of instances)

Sad Day

Hi Java Followers,
 Today has been a sad day for me. My sweet Beanie puppy left to go to his knew forever home. (insert sobbing & tissues)
 Some of you may know, he has recently started biting my 3 year old son. As a mom, sometimes we have to make decisions that are tough. Beanie has been a part of our family for almost 3 years. It is hard to see him go. The kids are all pretty attached to him as well. As many times as Isaiah was bit, he still loved & adored Beanie. Now I must point out that Beanie was not just some crazed biting dog, he was 90% of the time provoked. Isaiah would just follow him around & bother him. For instance he would pull his tail, pull his ears, tug on him, poke him.... etc. We know this was expected & while Isaiah may have deserved it, we feel a dog should understand that it is NOT ok to bite. We have another little coming up that will do the same thing I am sure. So, to be safe, we found a new home for him. His new home is where he will be loved & spoiled. He is with his sister, from a litter before him & his mom! This is just absolutely fabulous to me. It did make it so much easier to part with him. While this did make it easier, I still have tears to be shed. I loved that dog.  We would snuggle on the couch in the evening & watch TV, in the mornings he would curl up in my lap while I sipped my coffee & read Facebook, he would follow me everywhere I went in the house. This may have gotten on my nerves sometimes, but when he isn't here to do it I miss him terribly. He was always so excited when Faith would get off the buss & he would paw at the door & cry until she would come through the door & greet him. He loved to wag his tail & jump up & down with excitement when we would get home. If you would, just please say a prayer for us. It's so strange not having Beanie. He has been in our home as long as we've had the house. We will miss him so. Also, please pray he adjusts well in his new home & doesn't feel I have abandoned him.

Gonna have an extra cup of java for my Beanie Weenie.......

Week 2 Update

Good morning bloggers!

So, I have made it a full week. I've had a couple rest days, I've run several miles, I have cross trained, been remembering to take my vitamins & I feel so energized & great!

I love to run what I call the 4 mile loop at the lake. It is full of hill training & it's a beautiful run. I enjoy running by the lake. Last night I had a goose open it wings up at me & opened its beak like it was going to bite me. I told it to not even think about it. LOL

I find that it is hard to get the time to cross train at home. With little ones, they tend to need a lot of attention, so I have just done what I can to incorporate my kids into the workout. My older boy likes to just join me in the workouts. He usually just plays while I workout but once I start grunting & yelling, he comes & joins me. It is super cute to see him sit in the floor & do some exercises with me. Jeremiah, my 10 month old 23 pound baby however is what I "use" in my workouts. I like to hold him for weight when I do squats. He loves it & smiles the whole time like it is a game. Then I like to lift him in the air above me & bring him down for a kiss then lift him back in the air again. I do as many reps as I can. If my arms become tired I stop, I don't want to chance dropping him. Next I lay in the floor, knees bent & feet planted a little ways out from my butt. I sit Jeremiah on my belly facing me & I do crunches. I make faces at him as I come up (not always on purpose) & he just laughs & giggles. It makes the workout seem more like playtime & I am not taking my time away from the kids when I do this. I love it & they seem to as well.

The other day the weather called for storms in the evening. Sadly it always seems to start about the time I have plans to run with my friends in the running club, so that particular morning I decided to take the boys for a walk. I planned to walk right down the road to see the lake & back.  I put the boys in the wagon & off we went. On our way I thought, lets got over to the Yacht Club which is about 2.5 miles away. So That's what I did. It is all HILLS the whole way there & back. I had 55 pounds of little boy in a wagon, while I was wearing flip flops! But we did it!! I was so proud of myself. And very soar when we got home. Needless to say, it did not storm that evening & off I went with my running buddies & ran the 4 mile loop around the lake! I had a lot of cardio that day. I took a day of rest & went out for that same 4 mile loop last night. That run felt great! I got just enough of a workout without feeling I over did it.

This morning I concentrated on my belly. I did different types of crunches, burpees, bicycle twists etc. I've got to work off the little muffin top I have. I may be small but 3 kids leaves some extra skin/fat. I just want to take care of that before it gets any bigger. HAHA! Aside from my being slightly vain in wanting to look good, you do use those core ab muscles when you run so it's important to work all other muscles when you aren't running. The stronger my core gets, the better my running form & less I ache while running.

I love to follow-up my workouts with a protein smoothie. I asked a guy at a nutrition store about the best type of protein for me based on what I am doing. He suggested a Whey Protein Isolate. The Isolate he said was key because it is a faster absorbing to help build those muscles & strength.  Protein mixes can really add up. I personally have never spent a lot of money on mine. I just buy mine at WalMart.

 I also prefer the chocolate flavored. You can either mix it with just milk (not the best taste) or you can make a smoothie. I like to use ice cubes, fresh strawberries or raspberries, 1 scoop of the protein mix, add milk & blend well in a blender. I don't have the measurements, I just do it by sight & go from there. If I had to guess:

1/2C ice cubes
1C milk
1 scoop protein mix
1 handful berries
Blend well & enjoy.

Another smoothie I like:

1/2C ice cubes
1C milk
1 scoop protein
1/2 banana
2-3 TBS peanut butter(optional)
Blend well & enjoy


It's fun to experiment with the smoothies.


Hope you get off the couch & get moving (after you've poked around my blogs of course) :) Don't forget to check out my photography blog here.

Happy blogging!
Going to finish this smoothie & drink some coffee! :)

Keep Me Accountable

Hey fellow bloggers,

 Today I have decided something. I am lazy. I had been doing so good at running 3 times a week & increasing my distance & after my 10K had come & gone I began to taper my distance & it's been 3 1/2 weeks since I ran last. I am daily telling myself to jump on the treadmill & go or to do my cross training. And with each passing day I get lazy & just think, maybe later. Later comes & later goes. I never start. So, here I am. Challenging myself to get fit & stop making excuses. So, I come to you all to hold me accountable.  I had been running every Tuesday & Thursday evening with our local running club. Saturdays I would either run a race or just casually. Sometimes Sunday afternoons. So I've decided. Today is not a running day, so I will cross train. I do not desire losing weight. For me, it's about being fit. I used to have abs of steel. I haven't seen my abs for over a year. So, lets journey on & find them. I will post pics, before, during & after. I will blog about some of the training I am doing & let you know where I find my workout routines or if I just make it up as I go. I am no fitness expert, I don't know what I am doing most days. But any moving has to be better than not. Right?

Now that I have shared my plan with you, it's your job to keep me accountable. Comment on my post asking if I lived up to it or how it's going. It's out here for the whole world to see so I better stick to it!

Here's a pics of day 1:

 

 

I began my workout with some brick training. I ran for approx. 12 minutes (3/4mile) then biked for 15minutes (not sure distance since the hubby's computer on the bike isn't working) then finished with almost a 1/2 mile run in 7minutes. I am beat. Note to self: DO NOT EVER TAKE A BREAK FROM TRAINING EVER AGAIN!!!

 

on a side note, I discovered that if I hold my posture while running & get my pace just right, my ponytail swings from side to side causing it fan my back off which feels most excellent! :)

Hello Java followers!

This morning I am getting around slowly. I am a little sore. As many of you know I am running a 10K in April. That is 6.2Miles for those that don't know. Each week I have been trying to increase my mileage by 1 mile. This week I am supposed to hit 4miles. The most I've ever run was before my 3rd child, and it was 4.4 miles. Last night I joined up with some of the other members from a running club I belong to  & I had a goal set to run 4 as did some of the other runners. Me & one lady, who I will call B to keep it private, were staying together on this run. She asked if I thought I could do 4.5 while we were on our route back. I said sure! So we did & then she asked, think we can do 5? SURE! I think so! So we ran till we hit 5.2 miles!!!! FIVE POINT TWO MILES!!! 

Now my goal of this 10K looks so much more achievable. If I had run just one more mile I would have hit it! I cannot wait to go run in my very first 10K race! It's going to be awesome. My friend R will be there & my sister Amanda will be there too.

So as I finish my cup of java, I need to move on to hydrating with water!

Good day followers!